I spent all day thinking on the incredible, convoluted,

I spent all day thinking on the incredible, convoluted,involved dream I had last night. I think I finally got a decent grasp of it, but I am too drugged to write abuot it. I am too drugged to write about anything. Once again, I am barely functional. THe recent sacral restoration of my lower back was reversed, and once more I am struggling to get it thru even most mundane of tasks. So fucked up i can barely walk. couldnt even sit in pahrmacy for thirty minutes. too fucked up. last night i was going out of my mind with speed; now i am going out of my m9ind with semi-psychosis. i expect it will get worse. got plenty of dvicodi n (need headache meds), so i am going to go watch tv, til i fall asleep, cannot stand my body or mind in this condition. . interesting--only went thru a third of a bodttle of testosterone last month. because i felt better. proud of myself, because they are very expensive, and was going to try to skip a purchase this month. cant see how that will be possible with my sacral energy reversed and stymied. i need ten t-tabs right now, just to be able to open my eyes, read internet. totally fucked up.

I never know what kind of drug I am going to be

I never know what kind of drug I am going to be on when I wake up. Today, I have spent most of the day feeling that I am on "speed". Everything is sped up, and I am hyperactive in my mind. In short, I am back to where I was in the early days of the alien interference, before the implants. I tell myself to try to work to get back to a quiet and peaceful mind in a natural way, which is how I lived the early years of my adulthood. I tell myself that I am healthy enough to try to get back into a discipline--spiritual, physical, mental, and no sooner do I resolve to do so, that I get whammied by a huge viral download. That is what happened this afternoon, and it hit me so strongly that I could not get up, or even open my eyes (because I was too autistic). Instead, I was in some kind of semi-conscious state, that felt more natural, and less frighteningly psychotic than the wipeout I experience when my system is desperately short of testosterone, but it still is not a healthy experience. As I write this, I keep rocking back and forth (too much hyper energy that I no longer am healthy enough to act out physically), and my eyes hurt from all the stimuli, but I am functioning. However, I will say it again (as I have said many times before). If I am to ever astral travel, it needs to happen with my cooperation as a free human being who knows what is happening to me, and can help direct the process. Force feeding me all kinds of drug and hormone combos won't work, because of the idiosyncratic nature of my autistic brain. I recognized the peace that I experienced a couple of days ago, when I was given lithium--before it fried my brain. That peace was a peace I attained through my own self discipline and effort as a young woman, via meditation. I have a naturally hyper and obsessive-compulsive mind, but I brought it under control before, and I could do it again, if I were just allowed to cooperate with the process, instead of being treated as a lab rat. I LIKE the meditative state of mind. I miss it. However, I also am comfortable with a hyperactive, compulsive mind--it is the impetus for a lot of my creative insights. The two are not necessarily contradictory or clashing, but it is a balancing act, and my rational, mature ego holds the balancing pole, as I walk the tightrope between peace and order, chaos and creativity. I have done it before, and I can do it again, but not in the state I am in now, when I never know from day to day, how I am going to feel upon awakening.

Sooner or later, I am going to be shut down by what I sense to be an encroaching Internet shutdown. Today, the Sorcha Faal site, revealed that it had shut down all of its archives--I lost access to a lot of good stuff there--BECAUSE I KNEW HOW TO READ AND INTERPRET IT. I am not a human computer. Oftentimes I will remember something, but I can't recall precisely what is important--then I go searching through the worldwide web--which to me is nothing but a huge library. I fear that increasing amounts of data are going to be lost to my access as 2012 unfolds--for even though, I would like to believe that the incredible roller coaster ride of the last two years is at an end, I think the high drama of the "occult" (hidden) cosmos is still looking to steamroll over planet Earth into a new stone age. I can get around the restricted Sorcha Faal files, but if data blocks keep disappearing, I am going to become increasingly handicapped in my ability to understand and interpret "the signs of the times".

Nothing like necessity to get the juices flowing

Nothing like necessity to get the juices flowing--already I feel more alive. I cannot be sure, but a brief view of cable news has put me on alert regarding the Washington monument and the state of Wyoming.


I am certain that those Washington monument workers were rigorously scrutinized and vetted. However, remember that in Dan Brown's novel, the big "key code" was hidden in the Washington monument. The freemasons have been tuned into the occult for a long time. George Washington set up a lighthouse (an obelisk shape) on the infamous Montaulk proprty, which, surprise, surprise, turned out to be prime real estate for a time portal. In other words, he knew. How? I think an alien (s), along the lines of a "St. Germaine" from another dimension probably helped some of the founders of the American revolution in their desire to create a "new world". What if this code key is a beacon that transmits to outer space--the Ursa Major or Ursa Minor constellation. Even if the PLT is confident the Washington monument is clean, I hope that they have got a Plan B for standby--something that would act as a force field around the monument. If that old Montaukk lighthouse is still standing, I would recommend that it be investigated for possible anomalies as well. Finally, Lady Liberty is another Freemason construct--not an obelisk, but rather an Isis figure projecting tall into the sky.
Hopefully that would be checked as well. REMEMBER, the Washington monument is a tall pyramid, and in occult lore, the pyramids can blow open and act as a travelling conduit through space.

The other item that I saw on the news that sent off intuitive alarms was the WH map mixup between CO and WY. While the PLT and the loyal military have been busy blowing up underground tunnels and survivalist installations, I think they might have missed one in WY. While the NASA bigwigs are in Denver, the really big and evil fish are hiding in a hole, one state up. I would suspect the ritzy titzy ranch that is in the Northwest corner of the state in Yellowstone, or for that matter, any property that has ever passed under the title of Dick Cheney or anyone in his family. I believe that some of the recovering Monarch sex slaves have written of an Illuminati ranch in WY. Also, keep an eye out on "Old Faithful". If there are major planetary stresses and volcanoes erupting, Old Faithful is vulnerable, too, and as a matter of fact has been recording an unusual number of small earthquakes within the last year or two, if memory serves.

This is what was hanging over my head--now that it is out, I still feel lousy--drugged and headachy, but I no longer feel dammed up with something that needed to be released. Hope it helps.

I had no interesting dreams last night

I had no interesting dreams last night, probably because I was drugged on Depakote. I remember dreaming something about the Congo (which I assume to be the Black community), but the drugs interfere with my ability to remember or recall anything. I just know that for the second day in a row, I woke up groaning. That is a common tell-tale sign of Depakote, or some similar psychotropic drug that I have been force fed multiple times. I think that I actually was on lithium, yesterday as well. Upon waking this morning, and looking on pictures that I could not, for the life, of me, "interpret" conclusively, this morning, I could identify the markers I look for with ease. This confirmed what I already was suspecting last night. The drug (lithium), that had been forced on me, was seriously impacting my intuitive faculty. It also was impacting my drive, energy, and attitude, and my guess is that today, the negative symptomology would be even worse, except that I am not on lithium. Instead, I am on some drug that totally drains my energy, and makes me just want to lie down and sleep--almost feels like a sedative or low marijuana kind of high.

Anyway, last night, the lithium did what it always does--caused the brain rushes and bio-electrical energy jolts, that make it impossible to sleep. It also caused the intense anger that accompany lithium in my system. If they had left it in long enough, I would start experiencing mood swings. This angry and frustrated mindset is important, because I think I was abducted last night, to gauge whether my unconscious is following my conscious in the desire to be accepted by the Black community. Judging from all the White men I encountered on my bike ride (and the dearth of Black faces) , and the crippled woman parked across my open door all morning, I would assume "no".

I am certain that the drugging I endure has a big impact on this contrary attitude. Intellectually, I understand and accept becoming a Black man. Rationally, it makes sense from an intuitive perspective. I could present my case, but for me, it is not necessary--I already understand and accept it. For all the racists or negative occultists, it won't make a difference--they only see me as fitting into their agenda--most especially as some "Isis" kind of figure that holds sway in their imagination, but has no power in reality. However, emotionally, or unconsciously, there apparently still is resistance, and I am not sure precisely what is the cause of that, except to say that I honor and respect it. Something still has to be worked through and out. I am not certain that it is my reluctance to enter a BLACK community, as it is a reluctance to enter a Black COMMUNITY. I just have long standing socialization issues, arising from my autistic difficulties as a youth, and all the negativity, control, and rejection that I have experienced, even to this day--including a felt sense of betrayal and abandonment by the Black psychics. I don't hold grudges, although I can completely close off, and it really takes a lot for me to completely close off--like firing me from work, interfering with my relationships, throwing me in jail for six months, and into a psychiatric institution for six months, so that I will be a "nun". I am completely closed off to that future, or any that involves religious celibacy. I am completely closed off to being a crippled female, or any kind of Isis anima figure. I am not yet closed off to being an integral part of the Black community, because, while I felt violated by the initial psychic intrusion, I pushed back as good as I got, and I consider their most egregious fault, that of not approaching me over a year ago, to tell me that I was in immediate and explicit danger and offer sanctuary, to be a "sin" of omission, rather than a "sin" of commission. Yes, they did it, because they were uncomfortable with my strong female and lesbian being, but the bottom line is that it was their choice to make, and not an infringement upon my choice (we could get deep into a discussion about prejudices and "isms", etc, but I find that counterproductive). The bottom line is that (as those who are Catholic or theologically inclined know), there is a tremendous difference between a sin of omission and a sin of commission. So, while regrettable, there is no grudge. I am more upset that they did not support me, while my musculature was being all cut out, while I was risking my neck to support them in astral battles. Again, though, if I were to hold a grudge, it would be against Salusa, who I believe was primarily responsible, but I think I know why Salusa did it, and so I cannot hold a deep grudge there, either. Yes, I got angry about it; I deserved to get angry about it. However, for me, anger is a freeing emotion. I let it rip, and it releases all the negative energy. I am very Hispanic and Scotch Irish in that way. To be honest, I think many in the Black community experience anger as a negative emotion that does not release and free the pain, but one that shackles and drags down into a cesspool of resentment and bitterness. So, maybe they fear my anger--too bad, my anger is what enables me to live and experience honestly, and then forgive and move on. So I have.

So, again, what is holding me back? I don't know. Such a radical change probably takes a while. I could wish that I could get acceptance into a community as I am, but I think they fear that I would become comfortable without the radical transformation into the person they have been waiting for, ever since they gained access to occult knowledge--the promise of a Black leader. They probably are correct in their assumption, because my life has been so difficult that I have learned to thrive in whatever environment in which I am put, nearly always after a rocky, initial adjustment. As a matter of fact, now that my energy levels are higher (almost certainly because they did something to the nerves in my sacrum), I feel a lot better, even in this mutilated body that still doesn't work right. I can't help myself--I am by nature, a happy person. Still, my arms don't work right, and these Nazi boobs drive me crazy, and I hate the feeling I get when the estrogen is forced on me--not to mention that I still go bumping into walls, from lack of energy, so I still scream for the return of my strong, healthy body. I know that I am going to get it back--whether as a Black man (that is what I would bet on), or as an intersexed, lesbian woman, I don't know.

I guess that some of the White occultists (who? what alliance?), now recognize that I am masculine, and may be angling for my participation in their alliance, and I do not hate or disown my White or Hispanic heritage, but the truth is that the Black people of the world need a strong leader and hero, while the Whites and Hispanics will do just fine without one. They have had plenty of them over the centuries, who left strong, and longstanding cultural and spiritual roots and value systems to guide them. It is not that there have not been good Black candidates for transformative leaders, but the two most promising Black leaders of the last century, Dr. King and Malcolm X, were assassinated, while the latter was milked for his semen in his sleep, so that the White occultists could try to control the future Black leader. So, it is the deep Christian in me, that remembers the words of Jesus, and how he prayed for the people, "for they were sheep without a shepherd".

Of course, Jesus learned that while they yearned for a strong leader, these leaderless Israel patriots also wanted to control their shepherd--the desire of the spiritually immature and psychologically weak everywhere, and so, he ended up on the cross, dying a martyr. I do not feel called to martyrdom--if I did, I would be the crippled female saint, or for that matter, would have languished in an unfulfilling life as a nun. No, I feel better when I am exercising my gifts, even if they seem to flourish undercover, as do the writings on this blog. I continue to hope that the martydom that I am enduring now--the enforced isolation and loneliness, will someday be at end. I hope so, but no matter what, I will be true to my imperative as a Christian disciple--and that means, for me, that I will strive to be both psychologically and spiritually strong (no matter whether I am female or male; Black or White), and I will aim for continual conversion to be a better person in accord with the will of God. I think I know the what the will of God is--I just have to drag this reluctant flesh across the finish line, but no matter what, I will finish strong and free, and if I celebrate the end of my race alone, so be it--people will know how a strong and free human being lives their life, no matter the challenges or adversity. In the meantime, I just look to be strong and free today--it is hard, when I am so damned drugged--but at least, I am functioning, so praised be to God for that...

Just when my psychic sense was feeling lulled

Just when my psychic sense was feeling lulled by a sense of comfortable complacency, one little zinger caught my eye, and started the ball rolling. It is about the death of Doritos founder, Arch West, from Dallas/Irving (remember the mother of young Camden Pierce was from Irving?), who recently passed away at 97, and was buried a full week after his reported death. Despite his advanced age, I think this could very well be another voluntary satanic sacrifice, such as I have recognized before, but let slide from memory (except for Zechariah Sitchin). Mr. West was the son of a Mason, and a Mason himself, raised in a Franklin IN "Masonic home" upon his father's death. I would say he probably came from a generational occult family. His main claim to fame was "inventing" and marketing the Doritos chip. In 2008, he partnered with a Norwegian EISCAT Space Center (close to the "doomsday seed vault" and how close to the HAARP facility that highlighted Obama's visit with opening a wormhole?), to send this ad to a star in Ursa Major (which star--UMa47?). In occult and conspiracy lore, Ursa Major is associated with the anti-Christ, and I have been reading odd news about bears for some time, now. The bear reference is thought to refer to "Arcturus", which of course, is a major NASA conspiracy channeling medium. I don't know that there are any "Arcturians"--if there ever were any, I think that they were assimilated by MACHINE-RA, a long time ago. Interestingly enough, the "Tall Whites" at Area 51 (you know the ones who like to copulate with humans and breed "Amalekite" monsters?), told Airman (ROBERT?) Hall that they were from Arcturus, but even he could recognize that they told him that as some kind of inside joke. He knew that they weren't from Arturus at all.

You know, I am wondering myself, how much the diminishing of my Obsessive compulsive thinking patterns will affect my creative thought processes, for I am not feeling that "compulsive edge and bite" to figure things out, which leads me to go over and over information. However, to be fair, I have been feeling mellow for quite some time--ever since I killed that huge snake in my dream. Also, I felt strangely peaceful today, which I attributed to the meds I think I am being given, but after doing some light reading, now attribute to the proximity of Elenin to the Earth. I am of the view that it brings positive news, and I was hoping I would be able to dream tonight (though I am worried, because I have not been able to remember my dreams--I think I am being given Depakote, which I hate, and I don't think I need AND IT MESSES UP MY ABILITY TO DREAM, DAMMIT!).

However, I still know an intuitive tug when I see one, and Mr. West's obit certainly fits the bill. Whether I am losing my edge, or I am tired, (or maybe just too damned complacent, which makes me lazy), I am unable to fit the pieces together. However, I will lay them all out for you. First of all, I am a little worried about the possibility of an event in St. Louis. I read that, once again, a particular species of fish was dying in Arkansas, and I worry that there is some satellite that is beaming a frequency that is going to target some population in the St. Louis/MO area. I see that a massive bust of heroin dealers just happened in St. Louis, so maybe the Good Guys are a step ahead of me (see what I mean about complacency?). I also hope someone can follow through on that Norwegian space center (make sure that it is not in contact with satellites or UFO's), and the Ursa Major constellation, as well as the two men who "discovered" UMa47--one of them definitely is a candidate for possible satanic/occult involvement; the other is always wearing sunglasses, so I cannot see his eyes.

I am feeling tired and listless--drugs for sure--just don't know which ones, and it definitely is impacting my drive and intuitive edge, but now I get to sleep. I hope I dream good dreams AND CAN REMEMBER THEM!

ps: Check out this illustration from the Plantard family crest (Illuminati/occult aristocracy:

http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/merovingians/merovingian_dynasty/merovingian_dynasty04.htm

It shows the Big bear and Little bear, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, tied to the POLE AXIS of the Earth--so watch out for disturbances in those two constellations to simultaneously emit/discharge something that could shift the axis of the Earth...

And the games go on...

And the games go on...frustrating day while mind games continue, so for example, Black psychics and red Sirians check me out to see if I will lose my temper, when people play bullshit games with me. As for me, I have been in a mellow mood most of the day--it was the people around me, who were getting really teed off. Why? Because playing bullshit games with people, giving substandard service, and shoddy attention, when they go to fill their prescriptions, makes a normal person angry. I no longer am normal. My body is a wreck, and my brain permanently impaired by all the dumbasses who have been playing mind games with me, while I have struggled on a near daily basis to do my best, even though I have been suffering from glutamate poisoning and psychotropic-induced autism for years now. So, yes, you long suffering medical patients who gave me hard stares and said, "I can't believe this", I understand. Imagine going through that shit for years. As for me, I was kept waiting in the doctors office, then went to the pharmacy, waited for a 1/2 hour, just to be told prescription hadn't been sent, then went back to the doctors' office. I had a pharmacist refuse to vend me Tylenol Sinus, after his supervisor came and talked to him. Of course this was a lie--some Black psychic just checked me out while I suffered this indignity. Again, no big thing. I am used to being frustrated, abandoned, betrayed, used and abused by non supportive "allies" at every step of the way. What really pissed me off, though, was that my homemade probiotic brew was tampered with. It was fermented cabbage, and I had it in the basement, so that the smell would not permeate my house. The basement currently is not locked, though it would not matter if it were--my tormentors can gain access to my house with ease. Anyway, I knew the brew had been tainted, when I retrieved it, because liquid had spilled out onto the deep pan I put it in. When I had left it, the bowl of brew had been completely Saran wrapped. More than anything else, they wanted to let me know they could tamper with it at will--there was a half smoked cigarette by the basement stairs (sobs always used to leave their damned cigarette butts as "tags" around my house). Still, I decided to partake, and sure enough, no sooner do I take it, then the head starts involunarily shaking, and my back muscles start spasming painfully.

So, you see, this crazy abuse and mind control games go on and on and on. At every step of the way, I figure out how to heal what these negative Sirians have done to me, and at every step of the way, they make my life more miserable. The really frustrating thing about this glutamate antagonist business is that if I had been working with a doctor, a REAL doctor, not one of the Nazis or red/dog Sirians, I could have figured that out a long time ago. Even now, for those who have the function, do a search for "glutamate" in this blog, for I know that I have mentioned it more than once that my suffering is caused by neuron excitation and toxicity caused by excessive glutamate. When I was 23 or 24 years old, I told a therapist that I was suffering from an obsessive-compulsive disorder, but she waved it away, saying that my MMPI showed me to be the exact opposite of an obsessive compulsive. I have told people on several occasions that I am OCD, most recently my mother, who told me that she worked with OCD people and that I had none of the behavioral characteristics.

I may have none of the BEHAVIOR, of an OC sufferer, but my mind can get stuck in those obssessive compulsive patterns. When I am healthy, it only happens when I "working a problem or idea", or trying to emotionally debrief a situation. I used contemplation and mental discipline to get the "monkey mind" under control, but the damned virus and the glutamate excitation that it caused totally demolished all of my hard earned peace of mind. It is nice to have a mellow mind again, but the tampered probiotic brew has me back in the agitated, obsessive-compulsive state.

Just a waste of my time, and my life--unnecessary suffering, because some negative Sirian and their Jesuits/religious fascist sycophants think that I am going to be a cripple for the rest of my life to feed their dependent, lying asses. You know, a doctor was actually very close to figuring out what my mental condition was, and how best to treat it. Although she was an opthamalogist, she prescribed me Gabapentin, which is a Glutamate receptor antagonist which is what I need. I took the Gabapentin, and noticed that I felt better, but I wanted more of an opportunity to see how it really worked. For this was in the early days of my suffering, when I had a clear memory of what it felt like to be normal with a healthy brain, and a happy outlook on life--after years of this shit, I just want to feel like a half human--forget about being a "peak" human. However, because this was in the early days of my torture, I left the bottle of Gabapentin in my bathroom cabinet, a huge mistake that I haven't made in years. It was tainted, so that for my second dose, I was shaking and screaming in pain. Too bad--because if I am not on Gabapentin now, I could have worked with that doctor to find what glutamate antagonist would have been better. Damned fuckers and their stupidass mind control games have prevented me from true healing and treatment for years, and they think I want ANYTHING to do with them, after they have stolen years of my life, and left me a mutilated, miserable wreck???

Even now, as I write this, I can feel my appendix twinging, and my guess is that the probiotics are doing their thing, but there is no way that I can continue with it as a regular regimen, because I cannot stand the way the tainted psychotropic makes me feel. In a way, this doesn't matter. I have been going through this misery for years, and somehow I manage to come through, no matter how poorly I feel, no matter how unsupported or unbriefed I am. I will continue to do so, because it is in my nature to excel, even when every circumstance and people around me, are doing everything possible to undermine me. I am grateful though, for the respite. I know my mind must be working better, because I am suffering boredom again. A few days ago, I was re-watching some disinfo video for a clue, and I was so beside myself with boredom. Well, at least I can read--not right now, though--that homemade brew has left me really messed up

More thoughts on possible OCD

More thoughts on possible OCD medication...I researched it very briefly and recognized that anything that shut off glutamate receptors would be something I would like to try if I were in a healthy place, with a healthy relationship with a health practicioner. Instead, I have spent all day sleeping, drugged to the point of nonfunction on whatever psychotropic the red Sirians/Jesuits are shoving down my throat. I tried to bike earlier, but had to quit at the very beginning, after realizing that I was singing "White Rabbit" to myself, because I had no sense of distance, space or time. It was like being stoned out of my mind on THC (which only ever happened to me a couple of times).

Anywway, it doesn't matter what drugs those red Sirians throw at me. They do not wish for my health. They wish for me to be a crippled female that they can all groove on in their childish dependency. Congratulations, dipwads--I have been a crippled female all day, unable to do anything, though I forced myself to go shop for a few things I will need tomorrow.

Once again, as I prepare for bed, I am so congested with the goddamned estrogen forced on me. The stupid pricks force feed me estrogen, then wonder why I am a childish girl in my sleep. What matters is how I feel when I am conscious, and I have FELT LIKE SHIT ALL DAY, with all the goddamned slime that estrogen puts in me, and the bumping around walls and autism. I am too sick to do anything but take pills and hiope for a better day tomrorow. Maintneance man will be here. need to go to library. probably be a rough day.